Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
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ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!