*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
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It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Goodnight 🐶
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.