male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
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I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?