[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
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The devil.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”