I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
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[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
My love language is hissing.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
kitchen magnet
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Classic German Shepherd 😂
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies