Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
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Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?