the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
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I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Ron is short for Aaronald
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country