17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
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I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is