Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
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perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
These dogs look like they have good credit.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.