Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
You Might Also Like
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind