Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
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Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
*praying for world peace*
God:
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.