[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
You Might Also Like
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
this isn’t threatening at all
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.