*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
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*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Me too door. Me too.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.