*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
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I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.