Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
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That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Something Saturday.