If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
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Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
A man of commitment.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Guy who likes music
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.