Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
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*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
I think they could have phrased this better
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.