Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
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Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown