What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
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Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
(Gaming support cat.)
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.