Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
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All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…