Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
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When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.