Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
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fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
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( • – •) /
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/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference