Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
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*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
dutch so unserious
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be