“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
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ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!