Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
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(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
was Jim off killing horses or…
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.