(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
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Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh