Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
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[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
OH. COME. ON.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”