Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
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confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Tell the colonel to bring it
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?