On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
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You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him