wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
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Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.