We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
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Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
selena gomez
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!