Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
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Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.