Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
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When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
My dad is at it again
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
this… may be the greatest story ever told
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low