I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
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Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your stâ
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your weâ
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Confuse people by affixing âbut not necessarily at this junctureâ to the end of each sentence.
If youâre wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though theyâre never listening, 2Bâs teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of âthank youâ sheâs been saying âthanks, babeâ for days.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said âno one cares about that Ben anymore, thereâs a hotter Ben nowâ
Back in the day, we didnât have google just a drunk uncle.
The year is almost over, and I havenât stabbed anyone. My New Yearâs resolution is to do better.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…đđ¤Łđđđ
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Me: i feel like we donât communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: whereâs your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
[pronouncing the âhâ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts âI didnât really expect to live this longâ as the answer to why I havenât been properly taking care of my teeth.
if you arenât someone the church wouldâve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
If you say married people arenât having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10