Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
You Might Also Like
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”