I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
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BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading