My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
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#Caturday
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.