“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
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That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
An odd boast
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me