Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
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ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”