I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
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Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.