BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
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Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Yes, but it was never about money
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.