Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
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This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
When you don’t understand how floors work
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Tony Hawk, age 6
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”