I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
You Might Also Like
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
How all things should be taught/explained.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him