Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
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I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.