Confused owl: What?!
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My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
This a good idea
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.