Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
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“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats