Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
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Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?