What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
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Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Still a very good boi….
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
I found your tweet-up…
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Was it something I said?
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.