Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
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I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep