if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
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A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared